I'm just gonna do it.
By now it's already been overdone (meaning I've seen Mark and Fang do it before me) but I'm tickled to try it as well. I wonder if I'm even gonna get to twenty. >,>.
So, here go twenty things addressed to anyone (well, specific people per statement) that I wouldn't be able or gutsy enough to actually tell them in real life.
I'll start by saying most of these don't apply to any of my followers, so there's less fun in that, but it will still be good to get them off my chest.
-
1. I'm sorry I feel like you're a lesser person than I am sometimes. I shouldn't. Then again at other times I just feel like I failed you.
2. Even though I love you and I've known you forever, at times I can hardly stand you.
3. I don't even know why I'm suddenly kind of clinging to you. I guess it has something to do with recently discovered (or maybe developed) shared interests? I just hope you don't mind.
4. I haven't known you long but the more we talk, the more I feel like we've got a lot in common.
5. You confuse me. Or maybe I confuse me. I don't really think I like you like that anymore, but then again I don't really think I don't. I do still think you're cute. :').
6. Sometimes I really hate you. But then, I can never stay mad at you for long. Which is a good thing. We've been in this cycle of conflict and peace for years, I guess.
7. At times I really think you should stand up for yourself. Even against him. Aren't we at least as important as he is? Then again maybe you just agree with him.
8. I guess I'm sorry for reacting the way I did back then. I still don't agree with your behavior at all, but I guess I can understand the feeling of crippling insecurity and low self-esteem that behavior stemmed from.
9. No matter what I said and did, I'm really glad we're friends again.
10. You've changed. Grown up, I suppose. I don't like it. I was sad to see our friendship disintegrate into near-nothing in a couple of weeks, but now I just don't care much for you anymore. Maybe it's because I don't see you often enough.
11. I really wish you wouldn't unconsciously make me feel left out and less important. I also wish I could call you out on it without feeling like a whiny bitch with a 2000 page manual.
12. I love talking to you. I've never met you and that saddens me, but I love talking to you.
13. It's great that I can tell you anything and you'll try and cheer me up and rationalize my problems, even if I feel a little stupid for complaining so much.
14. I know the plans we made, but if I really think about it I don't think I want to be tethered to you so strongly for such a long time.
15. I don't believe you when you say you think I'm prettier than you are.
16. We used to be pretty good friends but now all I generally think when I look at you is 'ew'.
17. It's really sad to see you so down in the dumps so often. Also it makes me feel like a huge jerk for complaining to you. Then again, that's how our friendship started.
18. I'm scared I'll lose you. You may say we can stay in touch and I hope we do but I'm just afraid it'll dwindle away into nothing over time.
19. You are an amazing person and I wish you lived closer.
20. I liked you for the entirety of primary school. Isn't that funny?
-
That was easier than I expected. Like I said, most of these are for people most of you don't even know, but it's a good feeling to put them somewhere. The last one is a hypothetical one that I could use to start a conversation but won't ever because of AWKWARD. I just wanted a light one to break the train of insecurity and general depression.
You're welcome to guess for your ones, even though only three of you are actually in there and those should be pretty obvious. :'D.
~Levyathan
Showing posts with label self-evaluation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-evaluation. Show all posts
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Z: Zelfvertrouwen
Meaning self-confidence.
For me, personally, self-confidence is a fickle and fluctuating thing. What I see and think when I look into the mirror heavily depends on the moment, as well as whom I may or may not be standing next to. It's kind of funny how the same image can look so completely different depending on one's mood and feelings when presented with it.
I tend to be more critical of things I do. I say 'more' as opposed to the sometimes pretty damn positive view I have of my reflection. I tend to be disappointed by anything I accomplish because for some reason I have delusions of grandeur even though the image I have of myself is not always that great. I can sing and draw reasonably well, and my academic accomplishments are pretty okay, but I'm always expecting more of myself.
Which makes it really annoying when people go all overboard and start telling me to sign up for talents shows and stuff even though I'm really not that good. Actually, I would kind of like to try that sort of thing, but the fact that there's little to no chance I'd actually win anything makes me reconsider. I don't like to pale in comparison to other people, so I generally just shy away from competitive stuff. In fact, when I encounter someone who is significantly better than me, it just makes me lose all will to continue for a while.
I'm basically constantly comparing myself to others. Where anyone else watching The Big Bang Theory would be like "whoa, those guys are just too smart", I would be more likely to conclude I'm not smart enough. That's just this sort of kink in my brain, I guess. It's really more trouble than it's worth.
Sorry I just sort of went off on a tangent there, hope it wasn't too annoying. :').
On the other hand, you could've just stopped reading.
~Levyathan.
For me, personally, self-confidence is a fickle and fluctuating thing. What I see and think when I look into the mirror heavily depends on the moment, as well as whom I may or may not be standing next to. It's kind of funny how the same image can look so completely different depending on one's mood and feelings when presented with it.
I tend to be more critical of things I do. I say 'more' as opposed to the sometimes pretty damn positive view I have of my reflection. I tend to be disappointed by anything I accomplish because for some reason I have delusions of grandeur even though the image I have of myself is not always that great. I can sing and draw reasonably well, and my academic accomplishments are pretty okay, but I'm always expecting more of myself.
Which makes it really annoying when people go all overboard and start telling me to sign up for talents shows and stuff even though I'm really not that good. Actually, I would kind of like to try that sort of thing, but the fact that there's little to no chance I'd actually win anything makes me reconsider. I don't like to pale in comparison to other people, so I generally just shy away from competitive stuff. In fact, when I encounter someone who is significantly better than me, it just makes me lose all will to continue for a while.
I'm basically constantly comparing myself to others. Where anyone else watching The Big Bang Theory would be like "whoa, those guys are just too smart", I would be more likely to conclude I'm not smart enough. That's just this sort of kink in my brain, I guess. It's really more trouble than it's worth.
Sorry I just sort of went off on a tangent there, hope it wasn't too annoying. :').
On the other hand, you could've just stopped reading.
~Levyathan.
Friday, April 13, 2012
L: Liefde
Ah, love. Quite possibly the most obvious choice when discussing a random topic starting with the letter 'L'.
Love can be quite a broad subject, depending almost entirely on one's definition of the term. The words "I love you" are said too often, yet not often enough, as they say. Real love is hard to come by, and people tend to overreact when they like someone, hence the words being said 'too often'. On the other hand, there could be a lot more love in this world.
(Disclaimer: The things I do or do not say in this post about love are mostly derived from observing others. Basically, I have little to no first-hand experience of what I'm talking about here.)
Now, there are different types of love, in different orders of gravity. ('Gravity'. I'm making this sound so... grave. x'D)
The types of love most important to me as a person are familial love, and love shared between friends. I like all of my friends, obviously, but there are only a few I'd say I really love. And even though my family is made up of individuals I'd probably steer clear of in any other situation, I really do love them.
...I'll spare you the sob-story that is my dysfunctional and mostly one-sided relationship with romantic love. :/.
I can only say I hope that love, and it's applicability to me as a person, will evolve and grow with the years, and that I may be open to it when it is ready to come to me. (So poetic. :'D).
~Levyathan
Love can be quite a broad subject, depending almost entirely on one's definition of the term. The words "I love you" are said too often, yet not often enough, as they say. Real love is hard to come by, and people tend to overreact when they like someone, hence the words being said 'too often'. On the other hand, there could be a lot more love in this world.
(Disclaimer: The things I do or do not say in this post about love are mostly derived from observing others. Basically, I have little to no first-hand experience of what I'm talking about here.)
Now, there are different types of love, in different orders of gravity. ('Gravity'. I'm making this sound so... grave. x'D)
The types of love most important to me as a person are familial love, and love shared between friends. I like all of my friends, obviously, but there are only a few I'd say I really love. And even though my family is made up of individuals I'd probably steer clear of in any other situation, I really do love them.
...I'll spare you the sob-story that is my dysfunctional and mostly one-sided relationship with romantic love. :/.
I can only say I hope that love, and it's applicability to me as a person, will evolve and grow with the years, and that I may be open to it when it is ready to come to me. (So poetic. :'D).
~Levyathan
Sunday, April 1, 2012
A: Angst
Which is not that depression thing particularly teenagers tend to experience.
It's actually the Dutch word for fear.
Now, there are many forms of fear. There are also many irrational fears that only make sense to the ones they concern. Also, words for fears are not always very logical. Take 'hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia', being the fear of long words. Not very logical at all. "Really, you've got a phobia? Tell me about it." "Well, see, I'm afraid of long words." "Oh, you mean you have hippopotomonstroses-" "AAAAAAGHHHHH!!".
But really, fear is all around us. There are people who are deathly afraid of peanut butter. It happens!
Apart from the strange and often trivial fears of generic objects, though, there are also for example people who can't be in deep water, even while they can swim. I have a bit of this, I think. I dislike being in very deep lakes or the sea because it makes me uncomfortable to think about all the things beneath me that I can't see.
But really, the thing I personally am the most afraid of is time. Time, which just keeps passing and is unshakably determined. You never get it back. You just keep getting older and older and being in worse and worse condition while having fewer and fewer prospects for your future - which, incidentally, gets shorter and shorter - until eventually you die.
I'm also afraid of being trivial. I don't like to think I'll spend my life in this small town, working for some nameless company and never making a difference in the world. I don't understand people who choose to live that way. Like my parents. On the other hand, I can't really say what should be wrong with that. There are so many people on the world nobody has heard of. It's inevitable, and I shouldn't expect to be 'better' than that. In fact, I'm not sure I would want to. I don't really think the life of a celebrity is one I would ever choose for myself.. too little freedom, too much forced socialization. It's not for me.
I guess that's the most annoying thing about fear. Even when you realize it's unfounded and meaningless, that doesn't make it any less potent or real.
~Levyathan
It's actually the Dutch word for fear.
Now, there are many forms of fear. There are also many irrational fears that only make sense to the ones they concern. Also, words for fears are not always very logical. Take 'hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia', being the fear of long words. Not very logical at all. "Really, you've got a phobia? Tell me about it." "Well, see, I'm afraid of long words." "Oh, you mean you have hippopotomonstroses-" "AAAAAAGHHHHH!!".
But really, fear is all around us. There are people who are deathly afraid of peanut butter. It happens!
Apart from the strange and often trivial fears of generic objects, though, there are also for example people who can't be in deep water, even while they can swim. I have a bit of this, I think. I dislike being in very deep lakes or the sea because it makes me uncomfortable to think about all the things beneath me that I can't see.
But really, the thing I personally am the most afraid of is time. Time, which just keeps passing and is unshakably determined. You never get it back. You just keep getting older and older and being in worse and worse condition while having fewer and fewer prospects for your future - which, incidentally, gets shorter and shorter - until eventually you die.
I'm also afraid of being trivial. I don't like to think I'll spend my life in this small town, working for some nameless company and never making a difference in the world. I don't understand people who choose to live that way. Like my parents. On the other hand, I can't really say what should be wrong with that. There are so many people on the world nobody has heard of. It's inevitable, and I shouldn't expect to be 'better' than that. In fact, I'm not sure I would want to. I don't really think the life of a celebrity is one I would ever choose for myself.. too little freedom, too much forced socialization. It's not for me.
I guess that's the most annoying thing about fear. Even when you realize it's unfounded and meaningless, that doesn't make it any less potent or real.
~Levyathan
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Shooting for the rare and highly dangerous blogging x2 combo
Ehehehe, I haven't been updating two days in a row since my first few posts, if I recall correctly. Hope you guys don't scare yourself to death from my sudden enthusiasm ;'). Anyway, I've been thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm kind of a strange person.
Okay, yeah, huge shocker for the people who know me already, but really. I'm lead to believe I'm completely atypical, and not always in a good way..
Most obviously, there's the fact that I'm not really all that mature. I mean, loads of people aren't very mature at my age, but I like to make detailed references to Disney Classics, random kids' movies, Pokémon and Winnie the Pooh in day-to-day conversation. I also tend to start talking/screaming very excitedly and animatedly when talking about miscellaneous things, which generally winds up with people looking at me weirdly. That's actually quite a fun thing to experience now and then. :'D. I can get super obsessed by books or series or anime or games or really ANYTHING, and I can't stop talking or bothering my friends about it.
Secondly, I'm quite the tomboy. I don't give a shit about skin creams, I don't clip my nails (instead I just let them grow until they break off), I have a total of 9 holes in my ears but hardly wear earrings (and when I do they mostly include miscellaneous pinned items, like safety pins and button pins), I don't wear makeup other than eyeliner, mascara and eye-shadow, and the latter I don't even wear very often, I halfway dress like a dude sometimes and I like reptiles and guns and cars and stuff. Also, I don't hesitate to voice my opinion on the hotness of (mostly animated x'D) females, even though I'm not attracted to girls in that way. I also hate shaving my legs, and I go most of winter with furry legs because I wear pants anyway and nobody cares. Maybe if I had a boyfriend, I would care about that, I don't know. x'D. Probably. Most of my close friends are guys, too, because I just get along with them better.
I'm quite the recluse. I don't go out often, don't go bar-hopping EVER, in fact I've never really been inside of a bar/pub/whatever. I don't know all that many people in the town I've lived in for 16 years now, rather I know people from school, most of whom live a couple of towns over. Hence, I never really make time and opportunity to hang out with my friends.
Maybe the most inherently scary of aspects of my strangeness is my curious lack of "the ability to give a fuck", for quote's sake. It's not actually that serious, it's more like a sort of apathy; I definitely do give a fuck about most things, but it kind of scares me when people are like "you know what I mean, when you really want something, you'd do anything for it", like it's a common thing. I've never before in my life wanted anything enough to care overmuch if it turned out I couldn't get it. I don't participate in giveaways and stuff because I don't actually think I'll ever get it anyway. I let awesome opportunities pass me by because I don't think it'll happen. If I weren't so DAMNED FUCKING APATHETIC about those things all the time, maybe I'd have an awesome life. As it is, I've only been to one concert, been to one convention, and have never really 'gone out' in the way most teenagers do.
Not to mention the horrible lack of a love life. But really, let's not mention that. :'D.
The problem with these things is that while they make up who I am, and I can say I am to some degree proud of (some of) them, at the same time there's always this nagging feeling at the back of my mind telling me to change, to subdue myself to normality so that I might have a chance at life. "I am so crazy weird, guys would have to have a crazy stupid particular taste to like me". "If I never go out, I'll never fucking meet anybody new". "Dude, that guy's got a LIFE. He's way out of my league. Do you KNOW how many girls he must know? Girls that are normal and girly and actually attractive..."
So goes the circle of my life.
^^.
I'm sorry for this surprise sadfest, I was just going to make a slightly humorous self-evaluation sort of thing, but it turns out my brain had other plans. Don't feel like going up and deleting and rewriting all of that, now. Probably again missed out on half the stuff I wanted to say, too. (Also, the blogging x2 combo has failed. It is now 00:02 where I live.
See you guys next time on a hopefully more cheerful note! :').
~Levyathan
Okay, yeah, huge shocker for the people who know me already, but really. I'm lead to believe I'm completely atypical, and not always in a good way..
Most obviously, there's the fact that I'm not really all that mature. I mean, loads of people aren't very mature at my age, but I like to make detailed references to Disney Classics, random kids' movies, Pokémon and Winnie the Pooh in day-to-day conversation. I also tend to start talking/screaming very excitedly and animatedly when talking about miscellaneous things, which generally winds up with people looking at me weirdly. That's actually quite a fun thing to experience now and then. :'D. I can get super obsessed by books or series or anime or games or really ANYTHING, and I can't stop talking or bothering my friends about it.
Secondly, I'm quite the tomboy. I don't give a shit about skin creams, I don't clip my nails (instead I just let them grow until they break off), I have a total of 9 holes in my ears but hardly wear earrings (and when I do they mostly include miscellaneous pinned items, like safety pins and button pins), I don't wear makeup other than eyeliner, mascara and eye-shadow, and the latter I don't even wear very often, I halfway dress like a dude sometimes and I like reptiles and guns and cars and stuff. Also, I don't hesitate to voice my opinion on the hotness of (mostly animated x'D) females, even though I'm not attracted to girls in that way. I also hate shaving my legs, and I go most of winter with furry legs because I wear pants anyway and nobody cares. Maybe if I had a boyfriend, I would care about that, I don't know. x'D. Probably. Most of my close friends are guys, too, because I just get along with them better.
I'm quite the recluse. I don't go out often, don't go bar-hopping EVER, in fact I've never really been inside of a bar/pub/whatever. I don't know all that many people in the town I've lived in for 16 years now, rather I know people from school, most of whom live a couple of towns over. Hence, I never really make time and opportunity to hang out with my friends.
Maybe the most inherently scary of aspects of my strangeness is my curious lack of "the ability to give a fuck", for quote's sake. It's not actually that serious, it's more like a sort of apathy; I definitely do give a fuck about most things, but it kind of scares me when people are like "you know what I mean, when you really want something, you'd do anything for it", like it's a common thing. I've never before in my life wanted anything enough to care overmuch if it turned out I couldn't get it. I don't participate in giveaways and stuff because I don't actually think I'll ever get it anyway. I let awesome opportunities pass me by because I don't think it'll happen. If I weren't so DAMNED FUCKING APATHETIC about those things all the time, maybe I'd have an awesome life. As it is, I've only been to one concert, been to one convention, and have never really 'gone out' in the way most teenagers do.
Not to mention the horrible lack of a love life. But really, let's not mention that. :'D.
The problem with these things is that while they make up who I am, and I can say I am to some degree proud of (some of) them, at the same time there's always this nagging feeling at the back of my mind telling me to change, to subdue myself to normality so that I might have a chance at life. "I am so crazy weird, guys would have to have a crazy stupid particular taste to like me". "If I never go out, I'll never fucking meet anybody new". "Dude, that guy's got a LIFE. He's way out of my league. Do you KNOW how many girls he must know? Girls that are normal and girly and actually attractive..."
So goes the circle of my life.
^^.
I'm sorry for this surprise sadfest, I was just going to make a slightly humorous self-evaluation sort of thing, but it turns out my brain had other plans. Don't feel like going up and deleting and rewriting all of that, now. Probably again missed out on half the stuff I wanted to say, too. (Also, the blogging x2 combo has failed. It is now 00:02 where I live.
See you guys next time on a hopefully more cheerful note! :').
~Levyathan
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