Oh glub it.

I'm just gonna do it.

By now it's already been overdone (meaning I've seen Mark and Fang do it before me) but I'm tickled to try it as well. I wonder if I'm even gonna get to twenty. >,>.

So, here go twenty things addressed to anyone (well, specific people per statement) that I wouldn't be able or gutsy enough to actually tell them in real life.

I'll start by saying most of these don't apply to any of my followers, so there's less fun in that, but it will still be good to get them off my chest.

-

1. I'm sorry I feel like you're a lesser person than I am sometimes. I shouldn't. Then again at other times I just feel like I failed you.

2. Even though I love you and I've known you forever, at times I can hardly stand you.

3. I don't even know why I'm suddenly kind of clinging to you. I guess it has something to do with recently discovered (or maybe developed) shared interests? I just hope you don't mind.

4. I haven't known you long but the more we talk, the more I feel like we've got a lot in common.

5. You confuse me. Or maybe I confuse me.  I don't really think I like you like that anymore, but then again I don't really think I don't. I do still think you're cute. :').

6. Sometimes I really hate you. But then, I can never stay mad at you for long. Which is a good thing. We've been in this cycle of conflict and peace for years, I guess.

7. At times I really think you should stand up for yourself. Even against him. Aren't we at least as important as he is? Then again maybe you just agree with him.

8. I guess I'm sorry for reacting the way I did back then. I still don't agree with your behavior at all, but I guess I can understand the feeling of crippling insecurity and low self-esteem that behavior stemmed from.

9. No matter what I said and did, I'm really glad we're friends again.

10. You've changed. Grown up, I suppose. I don't like it. I was sad to see our friendship disintegrate into near-nothing in a couple of weeks, but now I just don't care much for you anymore. Maybe it's because I don't see you often enough.

11. I really wish you wouldn't unconsciously make me feel left out and less important. I also wish I could call you out on it without feeling like a whiny bitch with a 2000 page manual.

12. I love talking to you. I've never met you and that saddens me, but I love talking to you.

13. It's great that I can tell you anything and you'll try and cheer me up and rationalize my problems, even if I feel a little stupid for complaining so much.

14. I know the plans we made, but if I really think about it I don't think I want to be tethered to you so strongly for such a long time.

15. I don't believe you when you say you think I'm prettier than you are.

16. We used to be pretty good friends but now all I generally think when I look at you is 'ew'.

17. It's really sad to see you so down in the dumps so often. Also it makes me feel like a huge jerk for complaining to you. Then again, that's how our friendship started.

18. I'm scared I'll lose you. You may say we can stay in touch and I hope we do but I'm just afraid it'll dwindle away into nothing over time.

19. You are an amazing person and I wish you lived closer.

20. I liked you for the entirety of primary school. Isn't that funny?

-

That was easier than I expected. Like I said, most of these are for people most of you don't even know, but it's a good feeling to put them somewhere. The last one is a hypothetical one that I could use to start a conversation but won't ever because of AWKWARD. I just wanted a light one to break the train of insecurity and general depression.


You're welcome to guess for your ones, even though only three of you are actually in there and those should be pretty obvious. :'D.


~Levyathan

So whaddayaknow

I'm still alive after all!

I've been on a sort of hiatus for a while. Well, technically speaking, looking at my previous update schedule it's probably not as bad as it feels, but with the A-Z Challenge being still so close, I think I feel a sort of  obligation to post really often? Meh, it's obviously not strong enough to MAKE me post every day, but it's there. I know because I feel bad about not posting, even though I don't really have anything to say and my school finals have been draining any and all urges to do anything. It might have had something to do with the first two finals I took leaving me with a bad feeling about my grades, because yesterday I took the third one out of seven (I've had Dutch, maths, yesterday was physics and I've still got biology, English, chemistry and French left) and I basically breezed through it, and now I once again feel up to blogging. Now, don't get me wrong, I've still probably answered a couple of really stupid things, but all in all it went really well. I'm really relieved, because I was beginning to think I am actually stupid and unable to do well in finals.

On another note, I've just wasted about twenty-five years of my life trying to get the huge fucking parasol we have in the garden to actually do its job. I don't even know why that thing is so huge. In fact I don't even remember it ever being that huge. Maybe it grew. So I'm sitting here in the shade, but all the daylight is still enough to murk up the screen of my laptop pretty badly. It's inconvenient, but being outside is probably good for me. Back to the point, in the last couple of days been a real turnabout in weather here in the Netherlands. By which I mean it is UNBEARABLY FUCKING HOT and I'm only barely surviving. Don't worry, though, I complain about the heat really quickly. Most people would probably be relieved it's finally getting warmer.. I am too, but really? It could be toned down a little if you ask me, at least until the water on the beach is warm enough and I've got loads of free time. THEN I'll welcome this. It'll be heavenly.

That is, if I feel confident enough to actually go swimming with friends. >,>. I'm not exactly the skinniest girl out there and I hate wearing bikinis. Bathing suits are even worse, but that's got nothing to do with my figure. They're basically hell spawn all on their own. :').

But let me not get ahead of myself, first I'll have to make it through my finals. Sigh.

Tomorrow's biology and I'm really not worried about it, but I best go plow through my books in search of tidbits I've forgotten over the years.

I'm fairly sure I'll get back to you guys within more reasonable a time frame than last time :'D.

Enjoy your day, everyone. :).


~Levyathan

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

Shit kill me now it seems I've started using dodgy Slaughterhouse V quotes as post titles. The end is nigh. Nigh, I tell you.

But really, everything went much better than expected. :'D. I got out of the A-Z Challenge with most of my dignity intact, and the first half week of study leave (for lack of a better word, basically it's just a two-week period before the finals start in which we're not expected to be at school) hasn't managed to kill me yet.

I feel kind of unlucky though. Because I'm doing the International Baccalaureate program (which'll get me an official diploma stating I'm a near-native English speaker (profit ensues), so I guess I can suffer the fact that) I have to do two additional exams, both of which have been planned DURING my two week's leave. >,>. Joy.

The first one was today. I had to write a comparative commentary (basically compare and contrast two different texts on things such as tone, theme, stylistic devices, purpose, etc). I'd been dreading this exam, because whenever I tried to practice for it I ended up drawing a blank and staring at an empty page for about an hour and a half before giving up.
I guess, though, that Lady Luck's been keeping an eye out for me, because I came away from that test with a HUGE cramp in my hand - but also with the feeling I'd pretty much aced it. Go me! :'D.

So now I'm over at Fang's place and we've been totally fucking up our time (Well not really it's pretty awesome just I don't think school would've given us two weeks off if they knew all we'd do with the time was watch anime x'D). It's really fun and awesome and we should totally do it again, nudge nudge. :').


Bahabhbhbhahabhhahbv. Ah. Yeah. For those of you that have been here since the beginning (basically: Mark); I finally beat LoZ: Ocarina of Time yesterday. It was glorious. And now I'm trying to devise a way to get my paws on Majora's Mask.

Just a few more weeks and I'll have oodles of time. :'D.

Also surprise periods suck. x'D.


~Levyathan.

Z: Zelfvertrouwen

Meaning self-confidence.
For me, personally, self-confidence is a fickle and fluctuating thing. What I see and think when I look into the mirror heavily depends on the moment, as well as whom I may or may not be standing next to. It's kind of funny how the same image can look so completely different depending on one's mood and feelings when presented with it.

I tend to be more critical of things I do. I say 'more' as opposed to the sometimes pretty damn positive view I have of my reflection. I tend to be disappointed by anything I accomplish because for some reason I have delusions of grandeur even though the image I have of myself is not always that great. I can sing and draw reasonably well, and my academic accomplishments are pretty okay, but I'm always expecting more of myself.
Which makes it really annoying when people go all overboard and start telling me to sign up for talents shows and stuff even though I'm really not that good. Actually, I would kind of like to try that sort of thing, but the fact that there's little to no chance I'd actually win anything makes me reconsider. I don't like to pale in comparison to other people, so I generally just shy away from competitive stuff. In fact, when I encounter someone who is significantly better than me, it just makes me lose all will to continue for a while.

I'm basically constantly comparing myself to others. Where anyone else watching The Big Bang Theory would be like "whoa, those guys are just too smart", I would be more likely to conclude I'm not smart enough. That's just this sort of kink in my brain, I guess. It's really more trouble than it's worth.

Sorry I just sort of went off on a tangent there, hope it wasn't too annoying. :').
On the other hand, you could've just stopped reading.


~Levyathan.