There are questions you can't ask. For various reasons. Now, I'm not getting at questions that probe into people's personal lives or anything like that.
What I mean is, there are certain things I'll probably never know because I can't outright ask them. I've always been a very self-conscious person, and up till recently also a generally self-deprecating one. It was only a few months ago that I started seeing myself as someone who boys in their right mind might possibly be interested in, but I feel like I haven't really accepted it yet, still. Maybe it's because my view of myself varies greatly from day to day, and so there is no real set opinion I have of myself, but I always wonder how people view me. I wonder how my attractiveness compares to that of the girls around me, even though that is really quite a subjective notion.
I find myself sometimes looking at girls and thinking it strange that they can get a boyfriend and I don't seem to be able to, even though it's horrible of me to judge them as being less pretty than I am when I don't really have any ground to stand on. (Also, very importantly, I'm not desperately looking for a boyfriend. I guess it would be nice for a change, but I'm not one of those people who sees life as useless when not in a relationship. Which is a good thing, or I might've offed myself ages ago x'D).
But really, even if it weren't horribly desperate to ask people whether they think you are pretty, it's not an easy question to have answered earnestly. If the hypothetical person I'd have asked this question thought I wasn't anything special, that would hurt. Nevermind the fact I've been convinced of that for most of my life, having someone else say it would be extremely bad. On the other hand, what with having had said conviction for that long, if the person were to say I was in fact quite attractive, I'd probably be disinclined to believe them. It's a lose-lose situation, really.
Back on the boyfriend subject, by the way, I don't even think I'd be suited for having a relationship. But the list of reasons for that is long and depressing and I won't bother you with it right now.
Um. Yeah. I'm not sure I won't feel incredibly silly in the morning for having posted this, but whatever. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Or possibly burn it.
Good night ;)
~Lev
Unless we've had this discussion before you are welcome to send me a long list of reasons you think you aren't girlfriend material.
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you right now, you are pretty. You're an attractive girl. As for why you can't seem to get a boyfriend? Well there could be any number of reasons. I think you seem to be on a higher level of maturity than the people around you. While you can look around and see people in relationships, that doesn't mean that they're in significant or meaningful ones. Also you're right in that you shouldn't really be looking for a relationship. Not that you don't deserve one or anything (everyone does) but because as you said, you don't need a boyfriend to feel whole.
In short, don't worry so much about it. If you find yourself attractive, then other people will too. If you don't, then do something about it.
Go to bed earlier Bien, your head needs it.
ReplyDeleteEh, it's not as if it's some terrible error in spacetime that you don't have a boyfriend yet. Like, shit happens, stuff doesn't always flow as soon as you want it to, et cetera. I mean, plenty of people have told me it's weird I don't have a girlfriend yet, but I'm still single. See, it happens to the best of us. (Uhm well, make that "a lot of us". Hehe) You shouldn't feel bad about yourself for it, and the whole "not being suited for a relationship" thing is kind of silly. You don't suit to your relationship, your relationship suits around you (and your partner).